Red Flags and Nice-Guys When Dating

I’m at the beach with my 12-year-old son.

Red flags cover the beach and I’m tempted to swim.

“Don’t be silly dad, it’s dangerous.”

Then my son spent a few minutes telling me that just because it’s sunny and seems reasonably calm, the biggest danger is what we cannot see immediately.

He informed me that the biggest risk is the undercurrents that travel at speed which can drag even the strongest of swimmers.

Even lifeguards fear to dare without a support boat.

So I kept my clothes on and enjoyed the soft sand between my toes, appreciating the force of mother nature.

Most of us ignore red flags, especially those who are emotionally led.

And nice-guys are very emotional led when it comes to dating and women.

I’ve met many guys, even other life coaches who said “I’ve found the one” after a couple of dates.

I want to yank out the flag pole and whip some sense into their head.

If you say shit like that, you are under the tight grip of lust which you confuse for love.

The Science Behind Ignoring RED Flags

“Being with someone who is a challenge stimulates surges of catecholamines (adrenaline, norepinephrine), which, combined with your endogenous Opiates and other hormones, cause you to feel infatuated.

lnfatuation is a cocaine-like emotional high that intensifies your sexual feelings and medicates the rigors of intimacy. Caught up in the heat of passion (mediated by these . neurochemicals), two people just getting acquainted are able to be intimate without embarrassment.

To stay high, abandoholics keep seeking uncommitted partners. When someone comes along who is available, your body doesn’t produce enough catecholamines to support this high. You experience this as having no chemistry and go into withdrawal from your addiction. Unless you’re inebriated on love chemicals, you can’t tolerate the intimacy of a real relationship. So you run.

Like a junkie desperate for a love fix, you search for another lover who arouses just the right dose of fear to get you emotionally loaded. You’re in denial: When your body is attracted (addicted), it tells you you’re in love. When your partner becomes available, your love-stress hormones stop flowing. and you fall out of love.”

Susan Anderson, Psychotherapist

10 Common Red-Flag Nice-Guy Make

1. Attach quickly because she’s hot or he’s desperate for sex or a relationship.

2. Start future pacing on the first date (think of the next date, life together).

3. Fail to screen her and keep options open.

4. He starts love bombing and showering her with gifts, and affection.

5. Move fast by becoming exclusively, moving in and getting married within months.

6. Makes her and the relationships the focus of his life.

7. Refuse to audit and take the relationship inventory regularly, especially with expert opinion.

8. Fails to lead, set boundaries, and uphold standards (no frame control).

9. Justifies for her bad behaviour and ignores subtle signs as he conveniences himself they will improve.

10. Unable to exit the relationship because he’s afraid to break her heart.

When you start a new relationship, it’s easy to ride the wave of excitement and ignore the dangers that lie beneath.

I and many others who ignored red flags have drowned painful heartbreak, costly separations and inflicted psychosocial trauma on themselves and their kids if involved.

Anxiety and emotional immaturity make us rush in. 

If you like someone and they want you, slow down and enjoy the ride while you screen each other.

If you don’t screen, you’ll end up screaming.