We are all co-dependent in some way.
As kids, we needed our parents or carers to provide us with love and protection.
As adults, we need friends, family, and romantic partners to fulfil our connection needs.
Even the loners among us rely on our jobs, our dogs, and our Netflix subscriptions not to feel lonely. This is because we are social animals with a fundamental need to belong.
In other words, we are co-dependent creatures who require others to meet our needs.
However, this becomes a considerable problem when co-dependency becomes chronic.
Chronic co-dependency kills attraction and, eventually, any relationship.
Insecurities are the fuel of codependency. Everyone has insecurities, but some people have more than others.
If you have major insecurities, some of it is down to your childhood if you didn’t grow up in an environment where you were freely given love and protection.
I also believe that insecurities are hard-wired too and I’ve seen this with the temperament in many men and women. Some of us are simply more prone to insecurity than others just because of our outdated mind software.
Here Are 7 Signs Of Chronic Codependency:
1. Your moods depend on your partner. You can’t be happy if they aren’t.
2. You react strongly to your partner’s opinions, thoughts, feelings, and judgments (often losing your masculine frame).
3. You worry and think about your partner’s problems and are on constant alert to fix them.
4. Your anxious attention to your partner prevents you from having time for or interest in your career, hobbies, or activities.
5. You only want to spend time with your partner and drop other activities if your partner disapproves or won’t accompany you.
6. You over-please because you’re afraid of rejection.
7. Your relationship becomes all-consuming, and you lose yourself, becoming needy and clingy.
8. You lack decisiveness, confidence and assertiveness. This makes you very fearful and hesitant.
9. You cannot lead; therefore, you defer to your partner or others for opinions or decisions.
Now let’s look at 3 ways to overcome co-dependency.
The secret is to do everything you can in your power to become secure and individuated, learning to separate yourself from others.
1. Start asking yourself, “what do I want.” Co-dependants don’t know what they want because they’ve had to meet everyone else needs.
2. Make your needs a priority. Your welfare and mental health come before anyone’s or anyone else’s needs. It’s not about being self-fish; it’s about being self-caring. Put your oxygen mask on before anyone else.
3. Learn to start saying “NO.” Codependents are people pleasers and don’t know when to draw a boundary. They often overstretch themselves at their own expense, becoming resentful.
I’ve been working on my co-dependency for many years and it takes many years to get to a tipping point where it’s not crippling me in relationships, business or parenting anymore.
In the past, when my partner was upset, I’d get super anxious and wasn’t at peace until the situation was resolved and she was happy. Happy wife, happy life is what I subscribed to. What bull sh¢t.
My fixer always came out, which meant she didn’t feel understood.
All I needed to do was prioritise my needs by soothing my anxiety rather than trying to fix everything; it’s exhausting.
By being relaxed and grounded, I’ve found she’s better able to express, feel safe and understood. And most of the time, women want to be heard and seen without their emotions being fixed.
If you don’t work on this, it’ll suck out joy and energy from your relationships and life.
You need to realise that you’ll remain clingy and needy which will make your anger, frustration and resentment worse. This is a fact that you need to face and accept.
Your current chronic co-dependent behaviour is ruining your love life.
You will not be happy and live up to your potential if things remain the same. Change starts with you. Take a step back and assess your current situation.
Why are you acting this way? What are you getting out of it? If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll see that this behaviour is not serving you. It’s time to make a change. It’s time to let go of the neediness and learn to be happy with yourself.
If you genuinely want to improve your situation, working on becoming more independent is essential.
Trust that you can handle whatever comes your way, and give yourself the space to grow.
Developing a healthy sense of self-sufficiency will do wonders for your emotional well-being, attraction and love life.