I felt pathetic and ashamed. The secrecy of my actions had a vice-like grip on my life, a burden I deeply despised.
The wasted time, the fleeting thrill, the depleted energy – all these left me feeling awful. The regret of lying and cheating was overwhelming.
Pornography became my escape, a refuge from rejection and feelings of inadequacy. It allowed me to enter a fantasy world filled with a variety of desirable women, women who seemed out of my league. Here, there was no risk of rejection, fear, or judgment. It was a freedom unlike any other, devoid of her mood swings, traumas, excuses… just a pleasurable fantasy.
The secrecy provided a safe haven, feeding me fleeting highs, trapping me in a relentless pursuit of another escape. But it was never enough.
Something had to change. And it did.
On January 1st, 2020, I committed to never watch porn again and it’s been 4 years.
While the world seemed increasingly drawn to pornography during the Covid era, I, along with a few men in my accountability group, chose a different path. We worked on cleansing our habits and elevating our character.
Is pornography inherently bad? Not necessarily. For some individuals, light and occasional use can be a form of enjoyment without negative consequences. However, for many, it becomes a source of embarrassment and addiction, a manifestation of what I term the ‘SEXUAL FRACTURE’ — one of the five fractures I’ve identified: Nerve, Mindset, Emotional, Sexual, and Spiritual.
This ‘SEXUAL FRACTURE’ extends beyond just a habit; it symbolizes a deeper psychological challenge. It often stems from an individual’s past experiences, societal influences, and past programming.
For men, the SEXUAL FRACTURE can lead to an unhealthy relationship with their sexuality, driven by shame and concealment of their desires, needs, and wants. This shame, often rooted in childhood or past sexual experiences, can drive men towards addictive behaviors, such as excessive use of pornography, compulsive masturbation, paying for sex, and other forms of sexual compulsion.
Similarly, the ‘SEXUAL FRACTURE’ can manifest differently in women. It might lead to precociousness, an overreliance on sex as a means of connection, or finding themselves in abusive relationships. There’s also the possibility of excessive dependency on sexual aids like toys and pornography. Alternatively, it can result in a complete disconnection and avoidance of sexual activity.
It’s important to understand that these behaviors — whether in men or women — are symptomatic of a deeper issue. They are often coping mechanisms for unresolved emotional or psychological distress related to their sexuality. Recognizing and addressing the root cause of these behaviors is crucial for healing and developing a healthier relationship with one’s sexuality.
Women have shared that men who abstain from porn possess a different energy, something ineffable, more real, deeper, and more enjoyable in their sexual presence.
I’ve noticed a similar difference in women who don’t rely on porn, erotic toys and have had fewer sexual pratners. They seem more connected to their sexuality, more in tune with their bodies and are less needy, insecure and more feminine, sensual.
The Transformation to Being Porn-Free
I believe any man can overcome his addiction to pornography. I’ve done it, and I’ve witnessed many men in my group do the same. Some now use it lightly, without the accompanying shame and guilt, healing their ‘Sexual Fracture.’
5 Steps to Being Porn-Free:
❶ Awareness: Recognize that addiction is filling a void or avoiding pain. It’s a coping mechanism. The more my ‘Nerve Fracture’ kicked in, the more I relied on porn, food, and repetitive behaviors to soothe my anxiety. So I worked on my nervous system and good sleep.
❷ Start Small: Tackling porn directly is daunting. Start by moving smaller rocks to build strength. I began with cold showers, then added more habits.
❸ Consistency and Accountability: Staying consistent with my habits and being accountable to other men was crucial. They called me out and also gave me support when I slipped. Don’t do this own your own.
❹ Self-Compassion: I learned not to berate myself for failures. If I slipped, I got back up without dwelling on the past.
❺ Applying Learned Strengths: After mastering smaller habits, I tackled the bigger challenge: porn. The strength I gained from smaller habits helped me overcome this larger hurdle.
This was my path to breaking free from pornography. There are many ways to achieve this; this is just one.
If you are struggling with porn, first step is to understand, you are not alone. Everyone has something in their life they struggle with and are ashamed of, that’s just human nature.
I suggest reaching out to therapists, coaches, men’s groups and experts experienced in this area to start living a life free from guilt and shame and kicking bad habits.